A letter to my Son; an Epistolary Essay

Epistolary Essay

 

Dear Sherman,

 

In the race of life, there is no finish line, other than death. I've been a sprinter in this race since entering college, living fast and hard. Early on in my life, I was the complete opposite. A long distance runner, I let things come to me and learned from other's mistakes. Before beginning or becoming involved in anything, I always investigated the people who attempted something before me. I always analyzed the situation, never making pre-judgments to whether it would be a detriment or beneficial to me. What made this person screw up? What led this group to succeed? I didn't have a problem being behind at the beginning of the race, because through my search and inquiry for truth, I knew that I would catch up with and pass the others. Being a very patient and virtuous child, I didn't let many things hinder me from gaining knowledge. In my childhood I was extremely reserved, compared to all of my peers. Sure, I did some ignorant things, but not without calculation. I wasn't the kid who didn't care about being caught. Hell, my only fear of doing something WAS getting caught.

I clearly remember being a bright-eyed child in kindergarten. One day, I felt the need to kill the classroom goldfish. Unknowingly letting someone in on my plan to destroy those funny looking fish, it was almost foiled by the teacher. Nevertheless, I waited and waited, and as soon as the teacher lost her attention on me…CRASH. A note was sent home to my mother shortly after, stating that my mother should watch what she was teaching her child because I was 'too calculated' to be so young. It wasn't my mother's doing however; I felt the need to do something destructive. My mother never punished me, citing that in order to be prosperous in the world one must be able to calculate their steps. I did get scolded for using one of my strengths for negative, but hey, I was 5.

Growing up Christian, I learned and understood at an early age that God laughed at the plans of man, yet he would still bless the footsteps of those who walked with him. With maturity, I formulated new ideas and thought processes on things, becoming quite the rebel. As I grew older and encountered new things, the knowledge that I had acquired through the study of history and people's actions, both past and present, guided me. I didn't understand why I was going through certain things or how I was even getting through these things in one piece. Confidence growing with each passing test, the world became a playground. I was growing out of my 'conditioning' as a long distance runner, and transforming in to a sprinter. Maybe this is a natural process with every human being. Learning and amassing knowledge as a youth, only to form your own opinions and ideas on what it is to be wise could be seen as an innate human characteristic. Gaining knowledge at such a young age, where rebellion is the sole thought on an impressionable teens head, led me to think that without making personal mistakes I would never grow. "Fuck it and fuck you" became my motto because even though it is an extremely vile way to think, in my heart, I felt that I had the wherewithal to do what I wanted and that it would be beneficial to me and others. Studying the teachings of One God led me to dictate to others that what I was doing was for the betterment of everyone, regardless if you liked it or not. This backfired on me however. Due to having fun and 'living,' whatever that is, my life became encompassed with late nights, early days, lots of drugs and girls. My life was becoming nuts and filled with the ignorance that I shunned as a child. But I wanted to live. In my youth, I understood living to mean doing what you wanted, when you wanted.

Around the time that my world turned into a playground, total independence loomed in front of my face in the form of car payments and apartment bills. Seeing that I was now a grown ass man with grown ass responsibility, I gained fast twitch muscle and my sprint began. With this sprint, and seeing how fast life was declining, God brought me back to his feet. I started reading everything again, as I did at six and seven years old. The only difference in my readings of the past and the present, at the time, was the interpretations that came into my mind from them. It seemed that God wanted me to speak for him, and I did not understand how. I still don't to this day. I honestly feel like Mohammad, Moses, Noah, and even Jesus. A reluctant spiritualist, I am not one to push myself or my thoughts and beliefs onto anyone. I am for the world and every enticement and blessing that can come with it, like Mohammad, yet I yearn for learning and understanding of the science of God, as Jesus did. As I immersed myself in the teachings of God, I soon realized that I had been mistaken in my transition from running cross country and sprinting. Life was not about doing what you will, even though it is best to live and let live. I found that to live meant to not be hindered, not be biased, not be inclined to operate your mind in ways that would lead you to negativity, no matter how fun.

In my sprint, I have passed many people, yet I still feel as if I am behind. This sprinting has helped me tremendously, as I have seen and done things that most 23-year-olds can only imagine. I have met people and traveled thoroughly. Experience trumps argument, and I have a shit load of experiences that I could share with anyone. These experiences have come at a cost however. I sometimes wish that I would have slowed myself, not become so immersed in the thoughts of One Self, One God, and One Man. As aforementioned, through my sprinting I have amassed a great amount of knowledge, yet it has always been in hindsight: living and learning. The old saying goes, hindsight is 20/20, and I am a living testament of this.

In the footsteps of characters such as the mystical Yeshuoa Ben Pandira, found in the Hebrew tale The Talmud, I am often in opposition of elders, from their views on subjects to their philosophies on life, love and religion. The story of Pandira is a trying one. He is the bastard child of a mother who marries a man that can trace his lineage back to King David. Soon after marriage, however, she is raped by a neighbor, begetting Pandira. Her husband leaves her at this time as well. Pandira is a virtuous child, blessed with extreme wit and intelligence. He often times is scolded, and is known for being a crude and mean child, especially to adults and elders who view his thoughts as ignorant and premature. He views their ways as old, minuscule, and irrelevant to the day's age and is hence deemed a heretic. Pandira performed miracles and resurrected the dead in these stories and spread a mass of knowledge, yet he was never accepted by his people. His idolatrous teachings led to his demise, due to him being shunned away by his Jewish mentor. Starting his own sect of Jewish belief, he was viewed as pagan. Death came to him early in life. Some say he was murdered by his own people while others say he died alone. This story is awfully similar to the story of Jesus Christ, who was a child born to a distinct and removed sect of Jews called the Essenes. He too was a bastard child, born to an unmarried virgin mother whom later married a man named Joseph that ironically traced his lineage back to King David, as did Pandira's father in the Talmud. Jesus Christ also was a child prodigy, as he was able to teach priests' and sages more about their belief in a higher power than they could imagine. Framed and murdered due to his supposed idolatrous teachings and claim that he was the manifest flesh of God, Christianity is now the most practiced organized religion in the world. In this realm, you must know, that the good of God cannot be hid; only covered. You will find truths; I advise the Book of Barnabus. Born a Christian, I studied the laws of Jesus first. In his life, Love and Truth were the inspiration for his lessons.

Love. Live. Learn. It took me 22 years to realize that these three words, which in my opinion are more like concepts, make life what it is. In all reality, life is what you make it, but without love, living, and learning, you will never appreciate or grasp life. When you were born, I saw God in you and I was in awe. I want to teach you that no matter if you sprint or run a long race, you have the ability to dictate what you will and won't do, as long as God is on your side. There are a lot of things that you will encounter in life, some for the betterment of you, and some for the demise. In the grand scheme of things, everyone will end up loving you, regardless of what you do.

A Child; an Analytic Meditiation

Sherman Smith

Analytic Meditation

A child; such a selfish and mindless creature. They behave in the darndest of ways, saying the darndest things and act out in the darndest of fashion. Loud, obnoxious, and sometimes overly playful, the nerve-racking mini-me's of the world, seemingly make life a living hell. I only have one, and at this very moment he is driving me absolutely insane. Often times, when I look at my son, I think that he is the punishment of God bestowed upon me, due to the erratic behavior of my past that often times became detrimental to not only my health, but others as well. A wild child if you will, I now have been forced to reign in my flamboyant and rambunctious character, in order to fulfill the role bestowed upon me as a great father. Many days, I sit and wonder where I would be and what I would be doing if I did not have a child, and then, the reincarnation of myself smacks me in the face, jerking me back into a surreal reality. I say surreal because it is like a dream to me; how I have become what I have become, and also what I have been able to manifest into the world.

Children can be your greatest dream or worst nightmare; I suppose it all depends on how you judge them. Some people, who think that children are the worst, will never know the joy of having them. Others, who enjoy children and may enjoy having their own even more, may never know the joy of living a life without them. In a sense, once you have children, your life revolves around them and not your own self. A gift and a curse; you are brought happiness from your child, yet are constantly yearning for a life of complete freedom and a lot less responsibility. Children, like good and evil, can take your life on one path or another. Some parents discard their own dreams that they had during their childhood, in order to work and be able to provide. Others chase their dreams and goals, in order to be able to provide for their child in the manner that they wish, while also showing their child that they too can do anything that they put their mind too. I grew up with both types of parents. My father was 46 years old when I was born and 48 when my younger brother was birthed. He pretty much had lived a full life and did everything in it that he wanted to do. A tryout for the now defunct ABA Kentucky Colonels is something that he often wishes he had not passed up, instead opting to join the army. He often jokes about this time in the army however and how he has another family living up in the mountains, due to being stationed in Seattle. Looking at pictures of his Hot Rod cars and car races is his most pleasant past time, and sharing stories with his now adult children of the women that he had. He didn't have many big dreams or goals anymore after we were born, he just wanted to work and raise his kids, which is quite alright. A college education wasn't a big deal to him; especially coming from the small town of Earlington in western Kentucky. Worked as a supervisor at General Electric factory for over 35 years before he retired, my father knew hard work. Day in and day out, he awoke and went to work, even if he didn't do much while there. He retired when I was in eighth grade if I am not mistaken, making it easier to interact with his two boys. During my childhood, my father made sure that we were involved in numerous sports and that we knew that we were supported to the fullest. I can say with vigor that my father never missed a basketball game, football game or track meet from the time I began playing organized sports at 5, until I graduated high school at 17. My mother on the other hand, was rarely able to make games due to her rigorous work and school schedule. Very much like myself, my mother was considered a wild child in her youth, and a wild adult in her 20's. Kicked out of Eastern Kentucky University at the age of 18 and coming back home to Louisville to live, my mother was able to do what she wanted as an adult. She was also in the army like my father, but faked crazy in order to be released early. Living in Florida at one time and Antigua, a West Indian island in another, she was in her first marriage at the age of 26. She even spent numerous years in New York City, even getting her associates degree in Nursing at a community college while living there. All the while, my mother had goals and dreams that she wanted to pursue, however the drive or reasoning per se, wasn't there. Her mother, my grandmother, was the head of one-day surgery at University Hospital for over 30 years before she retired. How could a daughter not attempt to follow in those footsteps? She almost didn't and nearly became the black sheep of the family. Once I was born, my mother went back to school and has never looked back. Over 22 years, my mother has received her bachelor's degree in nursing science, two master's degrees, and is currently working on her DNP or certification to be a Nurse Practitioner. Named an Adult Black Achiever in 2005, being a professor of upper division nursing at UofL, and being published in numerous nursing magazines are amazing accomplishments for a person that had to raise two children as well. Having parents from both 'sides of the fence' has shown me how children affect the minds and actions of man. Being raised in a 'dual' household if you will, has created the understanding in me that I now need in order to raise my child. To my father, raising a child meant being involved, under circumstance. To my mother, elevating yourself to the fullest extent possible is key in the development of children. As a child becomes older, maturation occurs, and one can 'see' the workings of one's parents. I understand that hard work is the key to reaching goals, yet I also understand that without dreams, you may stifle your children's own ambition.

My son. My sun. It is often said that a child is a parent's world. I agree, to a point. Yes, my son is my world, because everything that I do revolves around me bettering everything, for my child's sake. A look deeper into the science of the Sun however, would lead one to investigate the origin of the name of Son, bestowed upon a person's male child. My Son has become my Sun, because my world revolves around him and only him. He is the light that shines bright onto me every morning when I am awakened by his loud slap of my face. He has revealed to me all of the wickedness and malevolence of my past as wrong, and made it so that I know I cant be innocent like him, but I may mimic his innocence and be in his mold. He is the force that drives me to 'rise and shine' and revolve or move, so that he may have a stupendous life. Without the Sun's light, plants would die, the world would be cold, and there would be an amount of nothingness in the world that encompasses infinite. When my Son wakes and shines onto me, it gives me breath; it is the catalyst for my force. I am able to get up and do what I need to do, without reservation. Just like the Sun, my Son can bring wonderful tidings and at the same time, cause mass destruction. In my opinion, the Sun in the sky is the most powerful thing that exists in our universe. It has the power to destruct things, as well as protect. Life is at the mercy of the Sun, and in my life, I am at the mercy of my Son. If the Sun does not shine on the world, what good would the Sun be? What good would the world be, for that matter? The Sun is going to keep turning and keep existing. In my studies, I have come to examine the Holy Bible, and the Son in it. In the bible, God shines his light onto the world in the form of his Son, a manifest angel and human figure, in laymen terms. With this light, the Sun is able to reveal the darkness of action and thought of the world's inhabitants. Jesus or the Son of God, brings about perceivable change and revolutionizes the views of life and death, good and evil in the eyes of the people. The Sunlight or the Son's Light, has never wavered from earth, even if it seems as if he has forgotten us. To this day, The Son is still shining light onto the world, and his life is being used as a base for the correct standard of living for peoples the world over. Innocence.